A Ninja's Story

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28th August 2007, 05:55 PM
iPianus

A Ninja's Story

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/1236/aninjasstoryve9.png

Im going to do another banner but with the characters name so you'll have in mind of what the ninjas and mafias look like.

Well i only started writting this just recently i just want some feedback and suggestions of how i can improve this story. I didnt get to spend much time writting it so it might have some mispelt words or maybe might not make sense.

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Chapter 1 - The Introduction

The mafia leader of Kerning City Toni one of the most respected mafia had too many issues regarding paying back another mafia leader called Serenzo who was one of the richest mafia in Victoria. Toni had many good friends who always helped him when he was doing dangerous business with other mafia’s of Victoria. If Toni didn’t pay Serenzo back with the money he lost then there would be a war amongst them. Serenzo who had many friends who didn’t like Toni and also Serenzo was supported by a band of ninjas , assassins and bandits who loved to assassinate people for Serenzo. Toni wasn’t scared of them as Serenzo always had a band of ninjas , assassins and also bandits.

The dangerous of all mafias was a ninja named Judoka from Japan he was a very wise and rich mafia ninja who had many bands of ninjas who all were near him whenever he did business. Ninjas to the South of Kerning City were one of the most dangerous as they were all armed with swords and knives. Judoka owned those band of ninjas but they disliked how he treated them. Lastly a mafia named Balthazar was a mafia of Kerning City and they had an underground tunnel where his mafias hanged around though he only owned a group of ninjas which consisted of 6 ninjas who were very skilled at assassinating. Most mafias didn’t know they were good as they always attacked when the other people weren’t expecting.

The only thing Toni wanted was money but he couldn’t get enough money to pay Serenzo back because he had many debts amongst Balthazar. Helsing a band of ninjas was the most biggest band of ninjas which consisted of over 70 ninjas. Helsing didn’t belong to anyone and wasn’t allowed to be bought or hired by anyone they were only there to protect Kerning City from invaders.

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EDIT.#1 : Added Banner
28th August 2007, 06:52 PM
fanficl0ver

First to reply.
My other posts have stated that I've been laying off posting a while, for fear of getting flamed if I say something wrong AGAIN.
Well this is a very good story! But perhaps you could put in more "," so the sentences do not look very long. Anyway, it's only the introduction. Expecting best work from you.
28th August 2007, 06:59 PM
iPianus

Quote:

Originally Posted by fanficl0ver

First to reply.
My other posts have stated that I've been laying off posting a while, for fear of getting flamed if I say something wrong AGAIN.
Well this is a very good story! But perhaps you could put in more "," so the sentences do not look very long. Anyway, it's only the introduction. Expecting best work from you.

Thanks for a good reply , anything else you'd think would be good to add?
28th August 2007, 07:06 PM
fanficl0ver

Well, thank you.
Me...I don't really give ideas, I'm more like...giving compliments..and criticisms. Well...you could PM people like xxKiraYamatoxx, Kon, ThyGamePlaya or AniMaple for such ideas...
Just, well, Nice job =)
28th August 2007, 07:15 PM
iPianus

Thanks , i've read KiraYamoto's story "A Hunters Story" . It was amazing.
29th August 2007, 08:59 AM
XxKiraYamatoxX

Thanks for the comment. :D

Your sentences seem too long, try using commas (,). Thats about the only problem I can find here.
29th August 2007, 03:00 PM
iPianus

Quote:

Originally Posted by XxKiraYamatoxX

Thanks for the comment. :D

Your sentences seem too long, try using commas (,). Thats about the only problem I can find here.

Wow thanks. Im half way done with Chapter 2 i'll post it up in about a few hours.
29th August 2007, 11:08 PM
segoy

I don't know why Kira Yamato always gets to the thread and says what I want to say before I do... Anyway, yeah. Punctuation was invented for a purpose. Don't cram everything into one sentence, don't write run-on sentences, and, sort out what you need in each sentence!!
E.g. "The dangerous of all mafias was a ninja named Judoka from Japan he was a very wise and rich mafia ninja who had many bands of ninjas who all were near him whenever he did business." You could have separated this into 3 sentences, and could have had much more description and characterization on this Judoka. Description and characterization's the main problem with the fanfics here.
Anyway, Judoka as in judo-ka, judo? ._.
31st August 2007, 05:22 PM
iPianus

Quote:

Originally Posted by segoy

I don't know why Kira Yamato always gets to the thread and says what I want to say before I do... Anyway, yeah. Punctuation was invented for a purpose. Don't cram everything into one sentence, don't write run-on sentences, and, sort out what you need in each sentence!!
E.g. "The dangerous of all mafias was a ninja named Judoka from Japan he was a very wise and rich mafia ninja who had many bands of ninjas who all were near him whenever he did business." You could have separated this into 3 sentences, and could have had much more description and characterization on this Judoka. Description and characterization's the main problem with the fanfics here.Anyway, Judoka as in judo-ka, judo? ._.

Judo-ka

I'm going to delay the 2nd chapter by a day since i've got an assessment task and also got to study for a test in 3 days.
31st August 2007, 10:39 PM
fanficl0ver

WOOTS
It's holiday week! Gonna spam games & get my 2nd job advancement!
So...well.
Anyway I believe I said about punctuation earlier than Kira spoke?